


The Midnight Auspistice

by Rogue of Heart (Akumeoi)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Blackmail, Gen, Matchmaking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-10
Updated: 2011-11-10
Packaged: 2019-07-05 10:56:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15862215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akumeoi/pseuds/Rogue%20of%20Heart
Summary: Eridan needs some help to fill his quadrants, and he doesn't care how he gets it.





	The Midnight Auspistice

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written for my old pal Olivia Opheliac on DeviantART. I found it in the depths of my writing folders and decided to restore it to my AO3 beclaws it's not half bad.
> 
> The AO3 Homestuck work skin is a GIFT.

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling twinArmaggedons [TA].  
AC: :33 < hi there, sollux!

Nepeta typed. Normally, she would have put a cute little RP action after that, like 'ac tackles ta playfurry!' or, 'ac chases a weird bug around tas ankles!' But she just wasn't in the mood for it today.

TA: hii ac  
TA: what2 up?  
AC: :33 < i think my tablet is broken!  
AC: :33 < i cant draw anything, the pen pressure is terrible  
AC: :33 < theres a big crack on the scr33n :((

Well, of course it wasn't working, Nepeta reflected. Not after she'd slammed it against a rock for ten minutes. It no longer resembled anything like a tablet so much as a pile of chips and wiring, and little glittery shards from the screen. It had hurt her terribly to do it, of course - her tablet was precious. But she'd had no choice. Besides, all she'd had to do was imagine Eridan's face on it, and she could gladly have ripped it in two with her bare claws.

TA: what are you u2iing riight now, then?  
AC: :33 < i have an old husktop! but its really slow, and the purroblem is that i cant draw anything with it. : __((  
AC: :33 < do you think you can fix it?  
AC: :33 < or at least send me the code fur a new one, please?  
AC: :33 < eridan said he thought you couldn't do it.

This was quite the gamble - if Sollux was on his guard, she was about to act extremely suspicious.

TA: eriidan? what ha2 he got two do wiith thii2?  
AC: :33 < hes my serfur player. i had to tell him about the computer first so hed know why i wasnt answering his messages.  
AC: :33 < hes furry purrsistent. ://  
AC: :33 < why does he hate you so much, anyway?  
TA: gog, ii hate hiim two. 

Ah, that was what she wanted to hear.  
Oh, yes, this was quite the gamble. And Nepeta really had no other choice.  
It was the third day after the meteors came, and the problem had started on the first. That night, Nepeta had initiated a chat with her server player with the intention of getting to know him better. She didn't really like him very much, but, optimistic as ever, she thought that perhaps if she talked to him, he might seem more sympathetic. After all, he'd been very stressed out when they first spoke - he was trying to get her into the medium, and neither of them really knew how the game worked yet. So it was with high hopes that she began this conversation...

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA].  
AC: :33 < hi, eridan!  
AC: :33 < *ac meows, rolling around in a patch of sunlight*  
CA: wwhats up, nep  
AC: :33 < i just wanted to say thanks fur getting me into the medium!  
CA: no problem, of course  
CA: it wwas incredibly easy for a enlightened member of the royal classes such as myself  
CA: i can tell this game is goin to be a piece of fuckin cake

Nepeta laughed. Eridan's way of talking sure was funny! She only wished he hadn't dragged blood colour into the conversation... she got enough of that from Equius already. And she could see perfectly well that his text was purple, thank you furry much.

AC: :33 < i think this game will be fun!  
AC: :33 < i cant wait to finally m33t all my furends in purrson.  
CA: youvve nevver met any of them before  
AC: :33 < well, not really. i live pretty far away from efurryone.  
CA: evven your moirail  
CA: my moirail and i are together all the fuckin time

Even over a Pesterlog, he managed to make it sound as if anyone who _didn't_ hang out with their moirail on a regular basis was a loser, or at least some kind of idiot. Nepeta sighed. Perhaps he wouldn't turn out to be worth talking too, after all.

AC: :33 < youre lucky!  
AC: :33 < is she with you right now?  
CA: no  
CA: shes wwith that a22hole sollux captor  
CA: shell showw up evventually

Nepeta sensed that this might be a sore subject. She wasn't really sure what to say next.

AC: :33 < i hope youll have fun fighting imps together!

She tried.

CA: actually  
CA: she fuckin broke up wwith me  
CA: but im sure shell come crawwlin back just as soon as she realises wwhat a loser that captor is  
AC: :33 < oh... im sorry

Well, this was supremely awkward.

AC: :33 < good luck!  
CA: thanks nep  
CA: but i don't need luck  
CA: im just a naturally charmin guy  
CA: as you may havve noticed  
AC: :33 < h33 h33 h33, ind33d you are, mr ampurra!

Nepeta grinned, glad to lighten the mood a little. She sat back more comfortably in her seat on the floor of her cave.

CA: you knoww nep  
CA: ivve been thinkin  
CA: youre a shipper right

Uh-oh. Nepeta sat up again. When people asked questions like that, it usually mean they wanted something from her. Sometimes they even asked her to be her wingwoman, which was the worst. Leave the auspistizing to Kanaya; Nepeta preferred to simply observe love taking place _by itself_.

CA: wwhat do you think my chances wwith fef are in the flushed quadrant

Nepeta thought for a moment.

AC: :33 < well, are you still furends with her? normal friends, i mean.  
CA: of course wwere still fronds  
AC: :33 < well, i dont s33 why not, then, unless shes told you otherwise  
CA: she told me otherwwise  
AC: :33 < awh, i'm sorry.  
AC: :33 < purrhaps it was just a heat-of-the-moment thing  
CA: no it wwasnt  
CA: wwe wwere bein all serious  
CA: wwe wwerent evven usin mother glubbin fish puns  
AC: :(( < in that case i dont think theres much of a chance fur now  
AC: :33 < purrhaps you should leave her alone fur a little while  
CA: wwell then wwho do you think i havve a chance wwith  
CA: i havve quadrants to fill here

Nepeta sighed. She wondered how much damage she would do to Eridan if she said, "no one", and how much damage she would do to anyone else if she suggested them. She didn't want to be responsible for match-making a relationship that would fall apart in two weeks.

CA: wwell  
CA: im growwin a beard here nep  
CA: are you just thinkin reely deep or don't you know the answwer  
CA: coddamnit you are a TERRIBLE shipper  
AC: :33 < g33z, give me a minute! im checking my shipping wall!

Nepeta said. Okay, that should give her a second. She got up and examined the wall, wondering who she could suggest. Someone who wouldn't be interested, but whom Eridan could happily pursue for a while without having his suspicions aroused that she'd cheated him.  
She heard her computer pinging urgently behind her.  
"Okay, okay," she said, annoyed, going back to read the drivel Eridan had just typed.

CA: okay ill do it myself  
CA: wwhat do you think of  
CA: wwell not vvris  
CA: or sol  
CA: not aradia her bloods rubbish  
CA: same wwith tavv  
CA: howw about kar?  
CA: you think kar wwould  
CA: no?  
CA: kan  
CA: or ter  
CA: equius  
CA: not him right  
AC: :33 < wait, what?

Nepeta typed hastily, sitting down again.

CA: oh so you think he wwould be interested

That was not what she meant.

AC: :33 < i dont think so, no, sorry  
CA: i bet if i asked hed say yes

Nepeta's stomach lurched. A terrible possibility had just occurred to her.  
Equius would jump at the chance to date a highblood, no matter how unsuited said highblood was for him. If Eridan _ordered_ Equius to date him, he wouldn't say no. And as surely as if she were the Seer of Mind herself, Nepeta knew that Equius would regret whatever he and Eridan did. Because this was her domain, a matter of the heart. And this was her beloved meowrail they were talking about. Eridan was far too selfish and callow to treat Equius with respect, which was what he needed. Eridan only wanted a plaything, and she would not allow Equius to become his trophy.  
And what about Aradia? She didn't know what quadrant _that_ little relationship was in, but it could very well become red. She was not going set up both of her friends for failure, no matter how much Eridan begged.

AC: :33 < absolutely not!!!  
CA: wwouldnt he lovve to be a highbloods matesprit

_Oh, shit._  
Eridan had somehow managed to latch onto the most important thing in this equation - Equius was _Equius_.  
Nepeta knew she was in trouble.

AC: :33 < but he doesnt really know you  
AC: :33 < im sure he would prefur someone he actually knows  
CA: yeah like wwho

Highbloods... Terezi, no, she wouldn't be interested, Eridan himself (shudder), Gamzee... no, that would be a kismesitude, Feferi... no, she wouldn't be interested.

AC: :33 < vriska!  
CA: i dont think shes interested in anyone but tavv these days  
AC: :33 < well equius certainly wont date YOU!

Nepeta snapped. She sighed and rubbed her eyes. It had been a long day, and she did not want to deal with this.

CA: you knoww wwhat  
CA: im goin to ask eq to be my matesprit

Nepeta stared at the screen in disbelief. How could Eridan possibly be so obtuse? She could not be reading this for real. Oh, Gog, what was she going to do if Eridan actually did go through with this?

CA: unless  
CA: you can come up wwith someone better

Nepeta's disbelief changed to anger.

AC: :33 < are you BLACKMAILING me??   >: __((

She said incredulously.

CA: you really are thick  
CA: obvviousea

Nepeta could not believe what she was reading. Eridan didn't have a clue why she didn't want him dating Equius, and he really didn't have the mental capacity to even imagine a trade like this. And he was calling _her_ stupid?  
More important than her outrage was the question - what could she do about it? Nepeta put her business face on - a fangs-bared snarl. She would not snap at Eridan, even though she really wanted to. She had to keep him away from her moirail at all costs, even if that meant kowtowing to this idiot.

AC: :33 < okay, how about feferi?  
CA: ivve had enough of her  
CA: an besides it wwould nevver wwork  
CA: you said so yourself  
AC: :33 < how about vriska? shes a pawsibility.  
CA: no she isnt interested in me anymore  
AC: :33 < okay  
AC: :33 < and karkat?

She hated to subject her friend and possible matesprit to this, but she was desperate.

CA: im not datin a fuckin lowblood are you crazy  
CA: at least not as my matesprit i dont need that trash in my pail  
CA: you knoww wwhat ivve got an idea

Oh, no. Nepeta groaned. Not _another_ one, he was already pushing the boundaries of his brain with the first. His head should be exploding any minute now. Now that would be a welcome relief.

CA: you oughta be my matesprit nep you owwe me one  
CA: a matesprit for your moirail wwhat do you say  
AC: :33 < honestly

Nepeta stopped typing. Would she really sacrifice her favourite quadrant and all her self-respect to keep Eridan away from Equius? She thought of her OTP and wondered if she really had a chance of ever realising it.  
What if Eridan wanted her to fill pails with him or something? She wouldn't put it past him, and she did not want to do that with anyone yet, let alone him. If she said yes to his offer and he asked her for that, she thought she would die.

AC: :33 < honestly, i dont like you enough fur that  
CA: oh wwell i guess i could livve wwith a kismesitude

Haha, Eridan, you so silly.  
LOL NOPE.

AC: :33 < i dont think im ready fur that  
AC: :33 < with anyone  
AC: :33 < sorry  
CA: wwell its your choice nep  
CA: equius or you

Nepeta's heart skipped a beat. What could she do now? She would sacrifice her own happiness for her moirail's in a second, but she didn't relish the thought of sacrificing it to Eridan, of all people.  
There had to be another way.

AC: :33 < wait, i have a better idea. 

She did?

CA: you do?  
AC: :33 < if i had known you were looking fur a kismesis, this would have b33n so much easier!  
AC: :33 < just go blackroom with sollux. you hate him already, dont you?

Nepeta prayed he would take the bait.

CA: i couldvve figured that out myself

_But you wouldn't have, because you're a stupid fishface_

CA: and lately our relationships been dead in the wwater  
CA: so i dunno  
AC: :33 < i think thats your best bet right now  
AC: :33 < unless theres something youre not telling me  
CA: no  
CA: alright  
CA: because im feelin merciful ill make you a deal

In other words, he was absolutely adoring lording it over her, and he could tell her whatever he wanted and it would seem merciful when compared to, "You're dating me now, please and thanks." Nepeta could just imagine his smug expression and almost threw her stylus across the room.

CA: if you auspistize for me an sol ill let you go wwhen wwere dating  
AC: :33 < reverse auspistize, you mean.  
CA: wwhatevver  
AC :33 < and you wont ask equius out?  
CA: yes  
CA: and  
CA: if you fail i WWILL ask him out  
CA: and he wwill say yes  
AC: :33 < i know  
CA: and you wwont tell ANYONE about this agreement its betwween you and me only  
CA: got it?  
AC: :33 < deal  
caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].  


And that was when Nepeta threw her computer at the wall hard enough to break into three pieces.  
She yowled loudly enough to wake up all living things within a twenty mile radius of her hive, and paced around the room, brooding.  
She planned for a day, then contacted Sollux and initiated a conversation. If all went well, she could pull this off.  
When she was officially released from her obligation, she would have her revenge, oh yes she would. She would make Eridan eat his own...  
Well, we'll see who's filling pails after _that_ , Mr. Ampurra.


End file.
